love poem and all the things i didn't know how to write

and to be honest i dunno if i will love another man like i once loved a boy from chicago
i always struggled with making love poems the same way i had trouble collecting my memories and reviewing them;
in the same way…i struggled with reflecting on myself. and i struggled on reflection with myself, where i come from, and the surreal experience which has been my life.
my life who is my own and not of a monolith to be measured and sized to others…
so how i could i ever write about someone i once loved if i had never even knew what to write when i thought about my love for myself.
i just knew i loved ha
i didn’t who this bitch was
i could see how she irritated people, because she irritated the hell outta me.
she tested me my whole 18 years of living, she pushed me to be things i couldn’t even comprehend yet.
i only complied because she cared. and she reminded me that there was only me
and no state, no government no manufactured concept from this country will ever care for me. or wish for me to succeed.
she was the same person who came baring gifts of pastries and sweetness of love and care por mí compareños en escuela ella me envió con amor
and she always worked hard for me to be a kid
but for a while she loved the world more than i loved me. and when she sent me with love she sent me with knowledge, fact. soy un estudiante de ella inteligencia pero certainly do not arrange an understanding of her in your mind for she belongs to me.
and so when you asked if i had yearned for love in this cold desert
i wanted you to know that i left my heart to grow cold in the midwest winter— for that is how she knew how to grow and live her whole life. chicago’s false spring unthawed what grew radically in the month of april into the july summer.
because who i loved were America’s most wanted
they experienced the lashes and manifestation of the same state sanctioned violence you speak of when you see ice and that you are now alarmed by in Palestine and Iran.
so when i loved them i loved a sociopolitical being who had been one of the earliest targets of america’s worst fascism.
yet such an unloving country made some of the world’s most loveable people. god willing con amor.